Self Discovery & Changing the Way I Think - My Victory

So last night was praise team practice. I love singing in a group but singing alone terrifies me like you wouldn't believe. It makes me all self-concious, sweaty, and kind of makes me want to run out of the building in tears and go puke in a corner. And I don't know why because I've been involved in some form of music ministry for about 10 years.

Actually, now that I think about it I do know why. First, my voice isn't 'soloist' quality and I know this and I'm okay with this. I feel like a fraud, like I'm trying to be something I'm not. Second, I don't like being that much in the spotlight. Surprised? No, it's true. I'll let you in on a little secret: I couldn't fully appreciate the magnitude of my own wedding ceremony with those 225 pairs of eyes on me the whole time.

So back to practice...my leader feels compelled to start giving me the lead on some parts of this new song we are working on. She'd like to eventually give me a whole song. Cripes! I get all panicky just thinking about it. Anyway, we practiced it last night and yep, still had all those familiar anxieties. But when practice was over I got in my car and where I would normally think "Can't do this crap anymore. I'm quitting." instead I thought "I did it. I didn't die. I didn't pass out. No one ran out of the building bleeding from their ears." Yeah maybe it wasn't as spectacular a performance as I would have liked. But I think God was somehow honored by my attempts. This realization is UTTERLY HUMBLING. I actually can't stop crying as I write this.

I trust that God will take this teensy 2 mite offering and multiply it for the good of His Kingdom.